Setting Limits: Love and Logic

July 25th, 2024

by Katrina Brooke

We have learned over the years that kids yearn for limits. Limits help them feel safe and secure. Limits say, “I love you enough to show you how to have a responsible and happy life.” Limits also say, “I love you enough to keep you safe.” In addition, limits help us take good care of ourselves as parents so that we can remain loving. They keep us from feeling like doormats and developing resentments.

If limits are so important, then why would we suggest that you don’t set too many limits? When we try to set too many limits over too many things, we spread ourselves thin and lack the time and energy to enforce them. Too many limits can create more stress in our lives and damage relationships with our kids.

Every limit we set, yet fail to enforce, erodes our relationship with our children.

Every limit set, yet not enforced, reduces our credibility in the eyes of our kids.

Yes! The stakes are very high. That is why Love and Logic teaches three essential rules for setting limits.

Rule One: Keep your limits simple and general.
Putting limits on your limits is far more effective than establishing so many limits that you can’t keep track of them. Many parents and educators have enjoyed great success by using just one generic limit in most situations: “I allow_____________ as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.”

Rule Two: Describe what you will do, rather than tell your kids what they must do.
When we tell someone what they must or must not do, we are trying to control something we cannot. This results in limits that are unenforceable.

When we describe what we will do or allow, we remain focused on what we can control and what we can enforce.

Rule Three: Never set a limit that you aren’t willing and able to enforce 200% of the time.
It only takes a slight bit of inconsistency on our part for our children to begin viewing us like slot machines. If their limit-testing pays off, even to the slightest degree, they begin to think, “Our parents enforce limits most of the time, but there is hope that if we just keep playing them, they’ll slip up and we’ll hit the jackpot.” Always enforce the limits that you set.

Our audio, The Gift of Limits, explains limits in detail and will help you learn how to give the gift of limits to your kids.

Thanks for reading!

If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.

Dr. Charles Fay

https://courses.loveandlogic.com/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwhrz2YDAgA%3D–ee8806a5b33afc154591b781f7a5965aed470757?skip_click_tracking=true#

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